Thursday, November 30, 2006

Cunstruction Problems

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another colleague on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He takes his left index finger.. and points to his eye meaning "I", then points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f**k is your problem!!! All I needed was a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Monday, November 20, 2006

Thought for the day - Sex after 50

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.... says... Woody Allen

And if it weren't for pickpockets there, I'd have no sex at all.. says.. Rodney Dangerfield

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ ..... says.... Confucius

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Voodoo Dildo

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a large sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo,' the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door."

The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dildo, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dildo, my p*ssy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d*ck. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my p*ssy!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her p*ssy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said,

Yeah, right.... Voodoo dildo..... my ass !